God Is So Amazing...

I woke up this morning feeling such a peace in my heart. I seem to sometimes be on an emotional rollercoaster, and being put on new medications is hard to understand if I'm emotional or it's the side effects. I spent last night in the word, and giving the Lord what's in my heart. My knowledge of the Lord is weak, but I can feel it growing each day as I carry my problems to him. I am finally seeing that I cannot succeed at anything without him at my side. This broken spirit in me is dying and I'm feeling the change. I know that my life will never be just as I want it to be, but I realize that it will be how it's meant to be for the Lord's will shall be done, not mine. Have a Blessed day everyone.

A Final Conformation...

Well the past few weeks I've been struggling with the decision to stay, or divorce my husband. I believe that I was being selfish, and I would have made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. My love for my husband is so strong, and he's my best friend, and soul mate. I've always ran from my problems, and I think it's time to stand and face my fears. Divorcing him would only leave us both broken hearted. He will be home from prison in 2011, and it's really not that far away when you think about it. He's been gone for over a year now, and I can make this work. I've been praying over our marriage, and reading alot about struggling relationships, and it's not that we were struggling. It's just the loneliness that I feel without him near. The Lord Almighty has a great plan for us and we can do this. Work is going well for me, and I'm working my way up in my department fast. The kids are doing really good in school, and Briana has had no problems this week at all. God Bless...

Great News!!!!!!

Well my mom had the tests ran and the results are already back. My moms body is rejecting menopause, and that's what is causing the lumps. So NO CANCER!!!!!! Yeah...
Other than that life is going fine, just working and going through the motions of life...

Being Lazy...

Well it's been a nice day today, and I'm just watching movies. Jen, and Jared, Andon and I all went and had a picnic and it's just beautiful out. The kids are going skating with their daddy. No news on my moms situation, but please keep praying.

Overwhelmed and needing to talk...

Well as all of you that read my blog know that I have been dealing with legal issues. The last court date I had the Judge reminded me that with my charges I am facing 30 year minimum and 100 year maximum in prison. I completed rehab, and am now doing so well and have made so many changes in my life. I know that having the Lord beside me I shouldn't fear, but the devil is just trying to break me. For the 1st time in my life I see with clear eyes, and I live. I allowed my past drug addiction to control my life and it has affected so many people. I know God loves me, but sometimes I feel that I'm not worthy of his love, and grace.I am so scared and I don't want to go back to prison. I know my heart and I know that what I did was wrong. I'm doing everything in my power to keep changing in positive ways. I go to court on the 20th of MAY, and I will be taking and open plea with the Judge. My life is in his hands at this point. Please everyone that reads my blog, please pray for me, and that the Judge will have mercy on me. Besides this stress I'm going through my life is going great. I love my job, and I talk to my kids every night before bedtime. I take my medication as directed, and I try to spend as much time in the word as I can. I don't really understand the Bible, but I read it everyday and try very hard to understand. I know in time I will understand, and see, and get more from it. Have a Blessed weekend...

Please Pray for my Mom...

I'm asking for everyone to please pray for my mom. About 3 weeks ago she found a small lump in her breast. Well as the time has passed it has grown to the size of a golf ball. She went to the doctor, and they ruled most things out, what's left now is to have a mammogram, and ultrasound done to check for cancer. I spoke to her lastnight and she was so upset, but acting strong. I am so scared for my mom.What scares me the most is that due to the economy my Dad lost his business and they nolonger have medical insurance to pay to have these tests.Please everyone pray that some miracle comes along, and my mom can pay for these tests, and mostly that it's not cancer.My mom is such a strong woman, yet I feel this is too much for her. If anyone can pass this along and place my momma in your prayers I will so deeply thank you... GOD BLESS

Did I go too far???

Today at work while talking to the that works with me. He begins to complain how his chest hurts, and his arm was numb, then he tells me how he's been smoking crack all weekend. Instantly I felt sick and nervous, I see things this way. I have worked long and hard to get where I am today, and the sound of drugs scare me badly. Now knowing this I've been riding with him from work everyday, and subjecting myself to this not knowing. I prayed about what to do. I went to the bathroom and got sick, and then prayed. Asking the Lord to guide me in the right direction of what to do. I went to my boss and told him about what was said and how I felt about working beside a person doing such things that had ruined 5 years of my life. I'm sad at what may happen to him, and his job, but I have to worry about me and my life. Did I make the right choice? I don't know, but I do know that I am sober today, and plan to fight as long as it takes to keep my life clean, and sober. I will not put myself in a position, or around people that can bring me down that road again. Please tell me what you think?

Loving being lazy...

Well lastnight I sat on the couch and watched all 3 matrix movies. Today I am going to Walmart and buying chips, and soda and I'm gonna watch all of The Lord Of The Rings movies. My kids are having a great day going to the roller barn to have a birthday party with school friends. I am having a good weekend, and I am ready to go back to work tomorrow. Have a blessed day.

Just when it feels your at the bottom something else happens...

Well you all know that I've told my husband that we are done. Today I got a picture in the mail and he's given up on God by the words that are written on it. I miss him so much and I don't know what to do. I told him that I will stand beside him through this and I just cannot turn my back on him either. My heart is hurting so bad right now, and I don't have anyone in the world to talk to about it. I can talk to my sister, but I just don't see her understanding me. I want so badly to have a life and some friends of my own, but I can't seem to find anyone. All my life I've kept myself away from others so I couldn't get hurt and now it seems that I don't know how to reach out and find some who will care for me as a friend. I'm all dressed up and have no where to go, I don't know it's kinda crazy but I feel better putting on make up and doing my hair. Have a great weekend everyone.

It's Already Friday

Hello everyone and I hope you all had a great week. I just got up and I was getting ready for work when I figured why not say hello and wish everyone a great Friday. My kids are doing really good this week, and they're so excited about coming up for the summer. I can't wait either. God Bless!!!!

Had a great day at work...

Well this week is going well so far. I just got home and I am going to relax, and maybe then in a while me, and Jen will go running. I hope that everyone is having a great week so far.

Happy Easter!!! I found some great pics...

Well today me and Jen took a few pics, and while she was getting them ready we found some pictures of me and my family. They're really great!!!!

Well my day didn't go as planned but it ended up nice...

Well yesterday my friend was a no call no show, and it bothered me so badly that I allowed it to ruin my day. I felt so bad for myself that I just went into my room and cried for a while. Jen came in and asked me if I wanted to go get a pedicure? So we went out and it seemed every place we went was closed. Then we decided that Krispy Kreme sounded great!! We went and indulged ourselves with junk food, and then we went to Old Navy and bought an outfit. Jen was so sweet for doing that for me. I feel so alone and at times I feel desperate for friendship that I hurt when it doesn't go the way I think it should. I feel as if I'm searching the world for a friend, but little do I realize I already have the best friend right beside me, my sister.

Happy good Friday...

Well today I have off and I plan to get some cleaning done in my room and then I'm going bowling with a friend. My kids are doing really well, and I am taking each day as it comes to me. I am so amazed in how my life has changed in the past year, yet alone that past 3 months while living up here in Tennessee. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to make a great future for me and my children. Have Blessed weekend.

Facing a Broken heart...

Well today is a hard day for me, and I can only imagine of how it will be for my husband when he get's the news. I've come from such a destructive past, and it was the old life I led. I've come to realize that I need to start over completely and by that I mean I am divorcing my husband. I hurt so bad cause I know I'm going to break his heart, but were just not meant for each other. We both also have a long past that follows us and we don't need each other to drag down. I've never felt such a pain as I feel inside right now, and I even doubt myself to which this is the right thing to do. I've prayed and I've been going over the best I can to do the right thing. I don't know what to do??? I also don't think I can handle the fact of breaking someones heart especially the person I love the most, but I have to do what is best for me and my children in our future. Is there anyone in this world who can help to understand this? I wrote my husband the letter but I can't get the nerve to send it to him cause I love him so much and I don't want to leave him. It's just the best thing for us to do. I pray to God that I am making the best choice for my life. I have to believe that what is in Gods Will is going to be for me and my family. God bless...

The kids loved their easter stuff...

I sent my kids some Easter candy and I bought a card where I can record my voice. So I sent them both a sweet message and and filled a box with lots of goodies. I talked to them lastnight and they both told me how happy they were to get their stuff. I had a great day today, and I plan to relax tonight and write my husband. I can't wait until may 18th when I fly down to Florida. I will have a day to spend with my babies. Have a great night, and God Bless...

Rough Day...

Well today was quite the day, it seemed that everything I did went wrong. I really don't sleep much and I have my days where I get 3 hours sleep, and then some where I'll get 5 hours sleep. I tried to shake it off, but I just had a rough day today. My heart feels as if it's in a better place though. I spent some time in the word lastnight, and poured my heart out to the Lord. Now I must be patient and wait for his guidance. I hope everyone has had a good day today, and an even better one tomorrow. God bless...

I'm struggling with God...

I don't know what to do about things in my life and I find myself turning away from God, and rebelling. I know the right things to do, but my heart is so lonely that I want to reach out and find someone to need me as I feel the want to be needed in life. I think it's the presence of the ones I love I need the most and can't have, I feel lost without my children and husband. I somehow live the motions of life yet my heart feels broken, and I just refuse to turn to God for that Love and guidance. I want what is best for me and my family, but how can I ever do that if I can't find what is right in me. Is there anyone out there who can give me some advise on what to do. I fill my time with work, and running, and blogging, yet I still feel emptiness.What do I do and how do I find comfort in the Lord again?

Working hard...

Well I had a long week of work, and I feel really good about myself and my job. I got up this morning and ran a mile with Jen to Starbucks! I didn't know I could run that far without passing out.I'm really struggling with thought's on my marriage right now cause I feel distant from my husband, and I don't know what to do.I pray that God will guide me to make the best choice for my future of my husband, sobriety and my children.I love my husband so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but something inside of me is bothered and I don't know what it is.I really need someone to talk to about this but I don't know how to communicate my pain to anyone. Things in my life are going really great and I plan to just keep pushing forward and move over this emotional hump I'm on.Please pray that the Lord will lead me down the right path, he hasn't failed me so far.Have a great week everyone.

I got the Job!!!!!

I was hired yesterday, and I started today. I really liked it and I must say it's been a long time since I've worked. I am just so grateful that the Lord has blessed me with this job. Now this week my goal is to sign up for online classes to get my AA degree. Well the kids are doing really good, and I sent them their Easter candy and a card that I recorded a message to them. Have a blessed week...