I feel alone, and lost???

I am trying to keep myself together here, and at times it works, and then there is times where I can't get my mind to stop. I pray, and I read, and I listen to the gospel. I am just in fear of myself right now, and it's not that I will make a bad choice it's that I will mentally just break, and allow this to slam me to the ground once, and for all. I have felt so good in my heart having my children here with me. I felt almost normal, and it's been years since I've felt that in my heart. I don't trust anyone to just open up on my thought's or express how I think because all people want to say is you can control that, or just stop. Well if I could just stop, and get up, and be a normal person without thinking such thought's I would. I am holding this all in, and it's building up, and destroying me I feel it. I hate who I was born to be, and I wish I was never born. Do I want attention?? NO, I just want someone in my life to understand me, and not judge me. I want to get up, and not be afraid to walk outside because someone may look at me, or when I walk into a room I wouldn't feel as if people thought low of me, or they were better than me. I wish my hands didn't drip sweat all day long, and I could sit through a movie without thinking it was a real life story going to affect me. Maybe just maybe I didn't have to take a pill to be what the world calls normal. I'm over it, I just want to enjoy the next few days with my kids, and make sure they know just how much I love them...