Please pray for my sister. We took the kids home last week and I returned home to TN without her today. She is currently in a hospital in FL and will be transported to jail from there. As soon as we got to our parents house last Wed. she was showered and ready to go. She had been making plans with some old "friends" for a couple of weeks. I kept asking her who she was on the phone with but she continued to get upset with me for being in her business. She left my parents house the night we got to town and I never saw her again. She knew the consequences and still chose the actions. I talked to her today by phone. I just cried to her, asking her how she could have done this. She says she doesn't know but she is ready to get on with whatever future she has. Our family is very sad thinking of having her locked in prison for the next 15 yrs. My heart is completely broken for her.

I feel alone, and lost???

I am trying to keep myself together here, and at times it works, and then there is times where I can't get my mind to stop. I pray, and I read, and I listen to the gospel. I am just in fear of myself right now, and it's not that I will make a bad choice it's that I will mentally just break, and allow this to slam me to the ground once, and for all. I have felt so good in my heart having my children here with me. I felt almost normal, and it's been years since I've felt that in my heart. I don't trust anyone to just open up on my thought's or express how I think because all people want to say is you can control that, or just stop. Well if I could just stop, and get up, and be a normal person without thinking such thought's I would. I am holding this all in, and it's building up, and destroying me I feel it. I hate who I was born to be, and I wish I was never born. Do I want attention?? NO, I just want someone in my life to understand me, and not judge me. I want to get up, and not be afraid to walk outside because someone may look at me, or when I walk into a room I wouldn't feel as if people thought low of me, or they were better than me. I wish my hands didn't drip sweat all day long, and I could sit through a movie without thinking it was a real life story going to affect me. Maybe just maybe I didn't have to take a pill to be what the world calls normal. I'm over it, I just want to enjoy the next few days with my kids, and make sure they know just how much I love them...

I'm feeling the emptiness already

Well my kids are leaving in 4 days, and I am just so emotional already, and they haven't left. I've spent the past few nights just laying awake holding them as they sleep. My heart feels like it's being ripped out of me again, and I can't stop it, or do anything about it. Finally I'm in routine with them, and we're happy, and it's time for them to go. I would never wish this pain on anyone in the world. I just keep trying to pray, and know that the Lord will get me through this, but then whatever the evil is in me decides to make me think why would God allow all of this to happen in the first place. Why did I have two Beautiful children that love me so much that have to be so darn far from me. I hate it, and I just want to enjoy these next few days, but I keep finding myself going into my room, and just laying there in a foggy cloud of doubt.

Rainy days turn into fun for us all...

Well the past few days it's just been rainy and nasty out. Makes me feel lazy, but me, Jen, and the kids all went to the mall the other day to get out, and it was starting out as each one of them got to choose one thing to do, or gift from a certain store. So first Briana chose Build A Bear, and on the way there Andon chose the candy store. Candy at $8.99 a pound I walked out of there spending $10.00, and some change, and they each had a bag full of goodies too. I was pleased with that choice, and so we headed to Briana's choice stopping at the Disney Store she changed her mind, and wanted a doll from there. So each kid got a toy, and it was pretty confusing cause Briana couldn't make up her mind, and then changed her mind again. Finally Briana picked a cute kitten, and Jordan wanted a Mickey Mouse. I was like okay, especially cause the stuffed animals were buy one, get one free. I only spent $18.00 and was pleased, then Jordan chose to ride the kid rides, and it only cost 75 cents per kid. I felt kinda bad so I let him get in the picture booth after that. Hey it was the rules and they all chose something for all of them to do. We all had fun, and it worked out pretty well for them I'd say...I'm loving each day with my kids, and I just thank God for them...

SO SWEET...

My heart is so complete right now...

Me, and my Princess

Me, and my Prince Charming...
Wow we look alike in this one alot...

A nice end to the weekend...

Briana, and Jordan make videos when they can. I am having a great day with the kids today. We went to church, then went and took some real nice pictures, which I'll be posting later. We came home, and Briana, and Aunt Jen made homemade pizza. Now it's quiet time, and I am just relaxing, and enjoying my day...

Watching the world go bye...

I refuse to sit and watch the world just pass me by. I felt as if I was allowing myself to fall into a depression, and I must fight this. I'm tired of taking these medications, and I just know that I have to keep taking them. I am excited about all of the things that me, and my children have done, and are still to do while their here, but them leaving is causing me such a fear inside. I have to get control of my mind now, and just know that this is all going to be okay. I am very grateful for my time with my kids, and I pray that I will have many more blessed days with them to come. Today is a new day, and it's never too late to start over...

I must be over emotional...

Well the kids are napping, and I went in to just peek at them, and I wanted to cuddle up to them and hold them without letting go. My days are going well, it's just the not sleeping and crying at night that is getting me down. I must be depressed because the 28 pounds that I lost, I gained it all back, and I feel like all I want to do is eat junk, and it makes me feel better for the time being. I don't want my kids to leave, and I just don't know what to do, or how to act, or what to think, and I keep this all buried inside. I feel that I have no one to turn to about it because I don't want to seem weak, or complain too much, but I need someone to talk to about this without feeling judged. I'm scared I may break, and then it will truly be over for me, and any chance of a life I have with my kids.Is there anyone who can give me some advise,or anything. I'll try, but I feel my faith slipping, and I need support. I feel I've drained everyone I know, and I just want to make it all go away. What a life I really have been a screw up, and messed up things for alot of people. I don't know why I even have my sister by my side still. I feel that I'm a helpless cause, whatever I guess...

Nice hair...

We had fun this morning doing hair. I had mine cut lastnight, and I styled Jordan, and Briana's this morning...

We went on a nature walk, and fed the fish...

Pushing back my fears...

I am just so happy and I feel so complete with my kids being here with me. I feel almost like a family again, except the nightmares I'm having every night. I woke up lastnight and couldn't hold back the tears as I watched my little boy sleeping as he held me tight. The words I love you mommy never seemed so painful as I feel that I will break their hearts if I am not granted this Clemency in Florida. I feel such a pain inside because I want to warn them of me going away if it comes to that. I don't want it to be a surprise, but I don't want my babies stressed out anymore than their little minds have endured already. The other day my daughter was asking me to buy her something, and I did because I could afford it, and my son says to me" mommy you don't need to spend money on us for us to love you, we just want your love, and time." My heart just melted at this 7 year old little boy just wanting his mommy. Both my kids ask me every night if I'll just come home with them so we can live together again with daddy. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do to have my family back, but it wasn't meant to be I guess. I am trying to enjoy every moment with my kids, but inside it's killing me because I don't think I can live with myself if I hurt them anymore. I think that with enough prayer, and faith that I'll push back these fears, or face them, and accept things for what they are. I just don't know anymore...

A Gloomy day...

Well it's been a long boring day for me, and I'm just feeling under the weather still. The kids did their school work, and played hide-n-go seek for hours. Now their watching movies with Jared, and I'm thinking about making coffee. These days are passing so fast, and I don't mean to sound so bummed, but I already miss them, and their not even gone yet. I've been having nightmares about everything in life, and it makes me not want to sleep at all. I'm really missing my mom lately, and I can't wait to see her. Well I hope that everyone is having a great week so far. God Bless..

Fun in the sun...

The kids had a blast that day, as Briana would say, 'We're doing Candin Balls"...

Fireworks...

A must see, the first 30 seconds are bumpy, but when you've got a 6 year old recording what can you expect. She did a great job recording. Nashville Shores July 3rd 2009

Living it up...

We had a blast lastnight, and today we're grilling out burgers, and we spent time at the pool. I also recorded lastnight's fireworks display from Nashville Shores. Here is a clip of the kids yesterday...

Happy 4th of July

Well the past few days have been fun, and tonight is gonna be even better. We're taking the kids to Nashville Shores to play, and then we'll be watching the fireworks display tonight. I must say that I actually don't mind the lack of sleep, it's crazy cause when my kids are in bed with me I can't sleep because the are bed hogs, but when either one of them is not in the bed with me I can't sleep, and end up going, and getting them anyhow. So I find myself sleeping during nap time with them. Have a happy 4th, and God Bless...

Here is a few pics...

We had so much fun, and I'll forever cherish each moment forever...



Who doesn't like presents...



PARTY TIME



Can we say fun in the sun...


Here is the very inspiration I live for...


Now the best part of the party...